Human beings are still in beta. Here’s proof. Human beings are still in beta. Here’s proof.

1. Babies

Babies are born into this colourful and confusing world as the most simplistic version of what human beings are. But like the rest of us, they have a couple of core requirements to stay alive, one being the need to hydrate and eat.

Babies are born with a reliance on a single source of nutrition. Nothing complex or overly sophisticated, just a simple, single, renewable source of sustenance: breast milk.

The joke though is that a) most babies struggle to process breast milk in the first few weeks or months of being alive, and b) some are allergic to it all together. It upsets their stomachs, makes it hard for them to poo, makes them sad, and keeps them awake.

To crystalise the irony here, the one thing, the one single thing that newborn babies rely on to live causes them immense distress, and in some cases, is simply incompatible with their systems. Oh, you need oxygen to survive? No problem, here’s a bag of farts.

Thanks a lot, human species.

2. Food Mentality

Proteins, fats, carbohydrates, amino acids, micronutrients, and various other compounds provide our bodies with the strength, energy, growth, and recovery mechanisms we need to have a life free from the Chemist Warehouse.

These days however, meals are more about being Instagramable and a celebration rather than providing the resources needed to be a kickass version of oneself.

Food has become entertainment. It needs to be complex, unusual, pretty, designer, or delivered to us in packaging of some sort.

A basic homemade salad sandwich where you cut up the tomato and lettuce yourself, no dressings, and with three-day old bread? Please. What are you, poor?

Given that food is a basic requirement for life and fuels our system to live and breathe, it is absurd to think that now, layout, complexity, and convenience prioritises nutritional value.

Man-nips do little more than provide refuge for disorientated genital hair.

3. Disproportionate Investment Allocation to Faces and Feet

For those who are fortunate enough to have two functioning feet, we probably don’t acknowledge just how pivotal they are in our ability to do any fucking thing. Walk, stand, drive, jump, play games, swim, karate kick; feet are the basis for movement.

Our faces on the other hand benefit from the ride.

We spend elaborate amounts of money on our faces to be smoother, clearer, more smiley, less aged, less hairy, and so on when they essentially do nothing besides smile, sneeze, and pop out from the top of our coats. But when we buy socks, what do we buy? The cheap ones. Shoes? The pretty ones (that are rock hard and made in a single template, like everyone’s feet are the same shape).

If we treat ourselves, what do our feet get? A trip to the facial clinic is what.

Our feet get nothing. Less than nothing. In fact, 20% of people claim to not even wash their feet on a daily basis (note that this is a dubious stat based on a Twitter survey conducted by some guy who has deleted his profile). Our faces? Well, they get to bath in a solution of Himalayan goats milk and strawberries shaped like panda bears because science* has found this can reduce the seven signs of aging. Meanwhile, our feet suffer, hurt, and look like a block of dried-up old cheese. It’s all good though, just cover them up with some old socks.

*Not science. An Olay employee.

4. Brains and Memory

The human brain is the most sophisticated and complex data storage and intelligence engine on Earth. Its capacity and problem-solving capabilities are more diverse and agile than any human made system. Only problem is that it is completely out of control and makes up its own rules.

Consider memories. A memory is the process of acquiring, storing, retaining, and retrieving information. But unlike modern storage systems, our brains file information wherever it feels like it.

Remember the name of that song you heard that time when you were much younger? It is in there somewhere but don’t bother looking for it. It is so deep and buried under other random gear that it may as well not exist. But it does exist, and you know it is there and cannot let it go. Like chasing the big Minion doll in one of those corrupt skill-tester machines at Time Zone. By agreeing to play, you have already lost.

As new memories enter our brain, old ones are replaced. But the old one isn’t fully removed – a sliver remains which essentially mocks our conscious brain by saying, “You knew this once. Lol.”

Equally, we have no say on what is or isn’t retained. Remember that stupid thing you did 12 years ago in front of those people who don’t matter during that event that no one cares about? Oh it stays. Remember that nice feeling you had when you won that thing or experienced your first intimate moment? Yeah, sorry, here’s a bag of vague cloudiness made up of stuff that could be true but could also be made up.

5. Organs We Don’t Need

Have you heard the term Vestigial Organs? It is the term given to the bodily organs that we do not need. In other words, we are born with parts that are not only unnecessary but can actually cause all manner of chaos if they play up.

You head out to buy a new car; It comes with normal car stuff. But it also comes with a few extra bits that provide absolutely zero value and will actually damage the vehicle at some point. No thanks Jeep salesperson.

Wisdom teeth and the appendix are parts of us that are simply unrequired and provide substantially more risk than reward. And man-nips do little more than provide refuge for disorientated genital hair.

6. Sleep

Sleep is essential to life. Studies suggest that less than six hours of sleep per night during our midlife years can contribute to dementia, not to mention additional issues such as compromised weight control, mood inconsistencies, and sexual performance challenges.

But here is what makes the sleep phenomenon so frustrating:

You will likely have heard of sleep deficit; an occurrence of continued under-sleeping which results in a “debt” that can be very difficult to reclaim, and consequently leads to prolonged states of fatigue, an erratic appetite, mood inconsistencies etc. This all makes sense. But what doesn’t make sense is if we can go into deficit, why can we not build a sleep surplus?

If we know we have an upcoming stretch of time that is going to require more awake hours than usual, why are we not able to bank sleep in advance? This is simply not fair.

Additionally, if we need to get to sleep in preparation for an upcoming event the next day, why can our fancy brains not evoke tiredness and sleep appropriately rather than compelling us to stare at the roof for a few hours thinking about that damn song name we can’t recall?

7. Dexterity

Some people are born ambidextrous which is truly an X-Men gift. But for the rest of us, we are essentially useless on one side of our body. This is almost beyond comprehension.

For a whole lifetime, we can kick, throw, navigate remote controls, shake hands, reach for things, and use tools proficiently and skillfully with one side of our body. But swap sides and we become as capable as a crayon.

How is it that the highly regarded supercomputer that is our brain is unable to take all the knowledge that it has been harvesting over the years, flip it, and apply it to the other side of our bodies ultimately making us twice the person we are? But no, not here mate. Throw a ball with your other arm? You’ll look like an adult devoid of gross motor skills. Try to use an asthma inhaler? Don’t do it, you’ll spray it in your eye. Write your goddamn name? Yeah righto, four-year-old penmanship.

Don’t even try unless you have therapy credits up your sleeve.

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Human beings are great. There are 75 thousand hours of YouTube videos that demonstrate this. But surely it doesn’t need to be so damn hard to high-five someone with your non-dominant hand without poking them in the face.