12 Updated Christmas Facts You Need to Know 12 Updated Christmas Facts You Need to Know

We have mentioned in the past that you should be on your toes with Santa, and last year we clarified some common Santa myths. This year we lift the lid on some more Christmas untruths…

  1. In 1992, Santa was at risk of being fired for malpractice. There were a few kids on Santa’s list that really gave him the shits, and instead of giving them toys, Santa gave them kits of full cream milk, eggs, peanuts, shellfish, and wheat, banking on the likelihood that one of these items would trigger an allergic reaction.
  2. Santa actually has a twin brother. But instead of spreading joy and happiness, his twin spreads confusion, discomfort, and awkwardness around the globe. His birth name is Atnas, but you probably know him as Macaulay Culkin.
  3. The most commonly requested gift by adults in the United Kingdom is a Ctrl+Z feature for their political decision making.
  4. The kissing-under-the-mistletoe folklore (to enhance the likelihood of getting married) originated in the 1850’s. While making out furiously behind a barn, two young adults fell into a bush of mistletoe and broke out in a hectic full-body rash. As no one else would go near them, they were forced to marry each other.
  5. Santa’s sleigh is no longer powered by a combustion engine. The sleigh now runs on a sustainable and renewable source of energy known as WACPA – Westfield Agro and Car Park Anarchy.
  6. We mentioned last year that Rudolph is a bit of a smart ass. During last years’ gift delivery schedule, Rudolph, knowing Santa is gluten intolerant, swapped out some of the gluten free cookies left out for Santa with the full-gluten versions and proceeded to sing “Jingle Smells” for the duration of the northern hemisphere leg.
  7. The most commonly requested gift by people in Adelaide is to live anywhere other than Adelaide.
  8. The history of the Christmas stocking is not as pure as it may seem. During a debaucherous night with Mrs Claus, Santa carelessly flung one of Mrs Clauses fishnets towards the mantelpiece where it become lodged on a nail. The next morning when one of the young elves asked what it was and why it was there, Santa explained that it was to fill with candy and toys for all the good children. Explaining the bondage paraphernalia was more difficult.
  9. Elves are close descendants of Smurfs. The major difference being that Smurfs struggle to regulate body temperature and suffer terribly from the cold, hence the blue colour.
  10. Speaking of Smurfs, at one point Papa Smurf challenged Santa for the role of Chief Christmas Officer. But the Council for Retail Shopping thought that an old, uncertified, immensely hairy senior citizen with a girthy physique in a full-length onesie during summertime having photos taken with kids was fine. But having a blue version would be weird.
  11. The most commonly requested gift by most Australian NBN users is to have an ADSL2+ connection.
  12. Dhumavati, the Goddess of Disappointment created Christmas bon-bons. She wanted to instill a Christmas tradition whereby participants were habitually and consistently let down, so she created a flashy, shiny cardboard exploding firecracker that promised the surprise of a fun gift and humorous pun, but in reality, delivered a choking hazard and a shit joke.

Life gets complicated from the age of about 10. Lie to your kids. If they believe that reindeer flew into your yard, ate your carrots, and then shat out a pile of oats and glitter, go with it.

Merry Christmas Everyone.